The Leadership Skill Most Leaders Avoid (Tip: It’s Costing You More Than You Think)

When Tension Enters The Room...

How are you showing up?

Not when things are going well. Not when the numbers are strong. Not when your team is aligned.

I’m talking about that moment—

👉 When a conversation gets uncomfortable…

👉 When a partner pushes back…

👉 When an email lands wrong…

👉 When conflict shows up uninvited.

Because whether you realize it or not, that moment defines your leadership.

Conflict Isn’t the Problem. Your Response Is.

Over the years, whether as a managing partner or now working with CEOs and leadership teams, I’ve seen a consistent pattern:

Leaders don’t struggle with conflict because they lack intelligence or experience. They struggle because they react instead of respond.

There’s a simple framework I teach every leader I work with:

Event + Response = Outcome

The event is external. You don’t control it. The outcome is visible. Everyone feels it. But the response? That’s where leadership lives.

And here’s the truth most leaders don’t want to admit:

Your response is often being driven by something that has nothing to do with the current situation.

Your response typically is borne of old experiences, past frustrations, or unresolved emotions.

You’re not just reacting to what’s happening now…You’re reacting to everything that ever felt like the current situation.

The Hidden Cost of Assumptions.

One of the biggest mistakes I see leaders make is this:  They assume they understand intent.

They assume they know what someone meant. They assume they’ve seen this before. They assume they’re right.

Once they assume, they then respond, and that’s where breakdown happens. Relationships strain. Misunderstandings fester. Miscommunication becomes the norm.

The moment you assume negative intent, you stop listening, and when you stop listening, you stop leading.

What High-Performing Leaders Do Differently.

The best leaders I’ve worked with, those building truly high-performing firms, do something very different in moments of tension:

They slow down.

Slow is smooth. Smooth is Fast. - U.S. Navy Seals

Not because they’re passive. Not because they’re unsure.

But because they understand something most leaders miss:

Speed in emotion creates poor outcomes.  Stillness creates clarity.

Before they respond, they pause. Sometimes it’s five minutes. Sometimes it’s five breaths.

But they create space between the event and their response, and that space changes everything.

The Power of Centered Leadership.

Years ago, while still leading in public accounting, I realized something about myself. I could be reactive. I could carry stress. And I could bring that energy home.

That was a wake-up call and it led me to the practice of Tai Chi, not for fitness, but for something far more important: Learning to center myself.

What I discovered.

When you’re centered, you don’t lose control of your leadership in moments that matter most. You experience the moment differently. You don’t escalate, you don’t assume, and as a result, you don’t react impulsively

What you do differently is observe, listen, and respond intentionally and more appropriately.

That’s what I now call Centered Leadership™.

If You Want Better Engagement, Start Here.

I’m often asked: “How do I get my people more engaged?”

My answer is always the same: What have you done to engage with them?

Engagement isn’t something you demand. It’s something you create. It starts with how you show up in conversations, especially the hard ones.

Here’s a simple structure you can use immediately:

• State the facts (remove judgment)

• Share the impact (on you or the company)

• Then stop talking

And listen. As Susan Scott wrote, "Let silence do the heavy lifting".

Not to respond. Not to defend. But to understand.

The goal isn’t to “win” the conversation. The goal is to build alignment and trust.

The Leadership Shift That Changes Everything.

I challenge you to make one shift. Stop asking, “What’s wrong with them?” Start asking, “What happened?”

That one question moves you from judgment… to curiosity. From reaction… to leadership. When you combine that with one simple principle - Assume positive intent, you create an entirely different environment inside your firm.

That environment is one where people feel heard. One where trust grows. One where real conversation happens.

A Final Thought for You.

You don’t need another leadership strategy. You don’t need more tactics.

What you need, especially in today’s environment, is the ability to lead yourself in the moments that test you.

Because your team isn’t watching what you say. They’re watching how you show up when it’s hardest to do so.

Call to Action.

If this resonates with you, I’d invite you to take a step back this week:

Before your next difficult conversation… Pause. Breathe. Reflect.

And ask yourself:

“What response will create the best outcome here?”

That’s where your next level of leadership begins.

Until Next Time!