When the Stakes Are High, Are You Reacting to the Situation — or Your Past

This week, let me offer you something to consider, something that may change how you see every difficult conversation you have moving forward:

Most of the time, you’re not reacting to what’s happening in the present moment. You’re reacting to what it reminds you of.

That may sound subtle, but it’s not. It’s everything.

Your Last Conversation.

Think about the last time you felt triggered in a conversation. Maybe it was a partner pushing back harder than expected. Maybe it was a team member missing the mark. Maybe it was an email that didn’t sit right, or an unhappy client.

In that moment, something shifted in you. Your body tightened. Your tone changed. Your thinking narrowed.

And before you knew it, you were no longer leading the conversation; you were reacting inside of it.

Here’s what I’ve learned, both in my own leadership journey and in working with CEOs and managing partners across the country:

That reaction didn’t start in that moment. It started years ago.

Your Mind Moves Incredibly Fast.

We all carry experiences with us. Conversations from our past. Situations that didn’t go well. Moments where we felt judged, challenged, dismissed, or not enough.

And those experiences don’t just disappear. They get stored.

So, when something happens today that even slightly resembles those earlier experiences, your mind does something incredibly fast, it tries to protect you.

It says, “I’ve seen this before.” And immediately, it fills in the gaps. It’s not what’s actually happening… but the gaps are filled with what it believes is happening.

That’s where assumptions begin. And once assumptions take over, leadership starts to slip.

Does This Sound Familiar?

I’ve seen this play out at every level of leadership. Here are a few scenarios:

🔴 A CEO assumes a partner is being difficult when, in reality, they’re feeling unheard.

🔴 A managing partner assumes a team member doesn’t care, instead of being overwhelmed.

🔴  A leader assumes intent, without ever validating it.

In these states, the responses usually follow the assumptions.  And when this happens, we stop listening, the tone hardens, and defensiveness takes the stage. Now you’re no longer solving the issue, you’re escalating it.

An Expensive Habit.

“Assumptions are one of the most expensive habits in leadership”.

Not because they’re always wrong, but because they’re rarely questioned.

And when they go unchallenged, they shape your response, which ultimately shapes the outcome.

There’s a Different Way.

There is a different way to lead in these moments, but it requires something most leaders don’t practice enough:  Awareness.

Not awareness of the other person.  Awareness of yourself.

The next time you feel that shift, that internal reaction starting to rise, I want you to pause and ask yourself a different question.

Not, “What’s wrong with them?”

But rather, “What’s happening inside of me right now?”

That question changes everything because you’ve now moved from reaction… to reflection.

You begin to notice the physical signals: the tightening in your chest, the change in your breathing, the urge to interrupt, or the impulse to defend. Those signals are telling you something important: You’re no longer fully present. You’ve left the moment… and entered a story.

This is Where Leadership Really Begins.

If you can catch that early, before the words come out, you create a space for choice. In that space, you regain control of your response.

This is where I often bring leaders back to something very simple, but incredibly powerful:

Take five minutes.

Not five hours. Not five days. Just five minutes.

Slow your breathing. Let your body settle. Bring yourself back into the present moment.

Whereas your mind can travel far and wide, visiting the past or worrying about the future, your body is always in the present.

From my experience, when your mind is anchored in the present, your leadership becomes more grounded, more intentional, and far more effective.

In this space, you know what else becomes possible? Curiosity. Instead of assuming intent, you start exploring it. 

Instead of reacting to what you think is happening, you begin to understand what actually is. The tone of the conversation changes.  It becomes more collaborative. Not because you forced it to, but simply because you showed up differently.

A Powerful Shift.

One of the simplest and most powerful shifts you can make as a leader is this:

Assume positive intent.

Not blindly. Not naively. But intentionally.

Because when you assume positive intent, you stay open longer. You listen more deeply. You create space for the other person to be heard. And more often than not, what you discover is that the story you told yourself wasn’t the full story.

Leadership is Not Tested When Things are Easy.

Leadership is tested in the moments where your instinct is to react and where your past is pulling at you.

With that in mind, here’s a challenge for you.  The next time you feel triggered, pause.  Not to avoid the conversation nor to delay the decision.  But to slow down your response and give you time to be fully present.

When you can do that… everything else begins to change.

Next in this series:

We’ll go deeper into what it actually takes to stay centered in high-pressure moments, and how the most effective leaders create calm, clarity, and confidence when it matters most.

Until Next Time!